Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
