remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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