well I can't set my house on fire every night
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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