I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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