how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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