Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
