Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
