my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
