i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
