They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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