I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
