if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
