Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
