I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
