just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
