My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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