Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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