Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
