Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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