I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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