The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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