you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
