My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
