Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
