I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
