just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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