My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
