I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
