I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
