he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
