she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I forget how to act sober
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
