Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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