So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
