This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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