why im i the only drunk person in the library?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
