he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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