Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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