you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
