Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
