and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
