if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I met the friendliest cop last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
