Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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