I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
