you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
