my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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