Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
