my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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