Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
