I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
