You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
True strength comes from lack of pants
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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