My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
