Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
